Dear Aisha- #LetterToHer

Dear Aisha,

I know saying sorry is not enough. Yet, I would like to say sorry and mean it too. I know you hate me. I would have hated myself too, if I had been in your position, but believe me my intentions were not to hurt you. I was young and naive. I never thought about the consequences and went ahead. I must admit that I was selfish. I only thought about myself and not even once considered how it would affect you. You were a villain in my eyes, I hated you and I was jealous of you. I just wanted you out of my scheme of things. When I think in retrospect, I realise how cruel I was. I assumed that you were a bad wife, you had turned the home into hell, and you were a bad mother who only needed money. Whatever I heard I believed even without meeting you once.

When I joined Qtechsoft, I was only 24 years old while Anand was 40. He didn’t look his age and was quite well maintained and breathtakingly handsome. Since the first day he showed affection towards me. Later on I realised he was generously affectionate with all new female employees. One day when I was eating lunch he came and joined me. He looked at my lunch box and said that he had not had tasty home cooked food in ages. He said that his wife didn’t like to cook. Either they ate out or the horrible food that the maid cooked. I felt sorry for him. Soon I started sharing my lunch with him almost every day.  He was very protective about me in office and soon he started picking and dropping me. Gradually I started imagining myself as the woman who would rescue Anand from a wretched wife like you.

On the night of your 13th anniversary, he came to me at around 1am. I used to stay alone. I was surprised to see him at my place, so late in the night. He came inside, sat on my couch and started crying. He was drunk and he kept on saying that you had made his life hell. He said he had no dinner, as you had not cooked anything. I made maggi and gave him. He kept on saying how you do not care for him, how his home was no more a home.

Aisha that was the first time we made love.  That night I was the second woman with whom he made love. He had gone with Julie in the evening to her home and made out, while you were waiting for him at your house, ready with the anniversary cake, especially customised.  While he was eating magi with me, you sat crying, with your bruised face, at your dining table with the food that you had cooked throughout the day, scattered all over. He had thrown everything because you had come to know that he had gone to meet Julie on your wedding anniversary. Julie was his steady girlfriend before me. Sorry, not before me, along with me. And, Julie was not the only girl. There were Nisha, Joyce, Prerna and even Mrs Upadhay.

He always loved going for his foreign trips because there he was free to do anything, while you struggled taking care of the house and children. On most of his trips he used to not even bother to call you once. When we went to Paris together, he was having candlelight dinner with me on top of the Eiffel Tower while you were struggling with a near fatal dengue in hospital. He didn’t bother to cancel his trip, which he could, and come back to take care of you and the kids.

I never knew that he used to regularly hit you till the day he first slapped me. I was pregnant and he wanted me to abort the child, when I denied he got violent. He kicked me on my stomach and left the house. That day I looked at the mirror and saw your face. The shape and colour of the bruise was same Aisha, you got it as the wife and I got it as his girlfriend. Just the other day I was reading the preview of the book ‘When I Hit You‘ by Meena Kandasamy and it reminded me so much of you. I felt guilty and sad. However I guess today I can feel your pain and empathise with you. I think we both should read the book as we would be able to relate to the abuse.

He always complained that you treated him as ATM however the fact was you ran the house with your own money while he used to spend his money on wine, whiskey and women. Aisha, I always thought he loved me. I thought he was extremely unhappy with you and one day he would divorce you and marry me. How foolish I was. He never loved any girl. Women were just something to fulfil his physical desires. I later came to know that he had sex with you the day your father died only because he was horny and never cared what you were going through. He used to almost rape you every night and when you became too boring he started looking for other women, so after you was Julie, and then me, and the circle continued.  You raised your kids single handed while he was busy womanising in foreign shores. Today they are well established and you are at peace with your life.

Aisha, please do not think, I broke your home because your home was already broken. It was his duty to protect the marriage but he didn’t. Today you are free from him, so am I.





19 thoughts on “Dear Aisha- #LetterToHer

  1. vishalbheeroo says:

    It’s a gritty and honest reflection that tears the heart. Human desires are so fickle. A powerful letter that many women would identify with. Hope the women can meet over coffee and discuss their equation with the man who violated their trust. Perhaps, it might lead to closure or may be, no.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Moon says:

    Dear Balaka,
    Heartiest Congratulations on having been specially recognised by Juggernauts for your letter on domestic violence.Saw your face on my FB newsfeed from women’s web , a site that I like and follow ,and that’s how I came to know.
    Happy for you . 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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