My mother always said, “bobar shotru nei” (A person who cannot speak has no enemy). What she meant to say was that often we create enemies through our words and therefore if we can stay silent we can avoid a lot of clashes.
During a fight when we are angry we often say words that are hurtful but we don’t really mean them, we say them just to get a superiority in the fight. We often start a fight and after a while realize that not everything that we are saying is right, but we have large egos and most of us won’t stop and say “sorry” because that would hurt our ego. However, a wise person would have the courage to stop and admit their mistake. A foolish person would be unable to utter the golden “sorry” and hold on to the grudge while a wise person would say ‘sorry’ and move ahead in life.
There are few people who love to fight. Especially those who grew up watching their parents fight on a regular basis unknowingly imbibe the tendency to fight over trivial issues with their partners. Those who were brought up by abusive parents become an abusive parent in their own life. However, with little mindfulness, these can be avoided. This is called the “art/practice of the pause”.
When you find yourself in a situation where you are fighting, instead of trying to prove yourself right and the other person wrong and awful, just take a pause, step back, think about the situation, analyse and see if the issue is serious or trivial, let the other person vent out, do not take his/her words literally because at that moment the person is not speaking but his anger and ego is speaking. Let the heat pass and then start the conversation again.
Those who love to fight and flare up about trivial issues are slaves of their anger and ego. They are also unwise and ignorant. Those who are wise and positive souls they would never waste their time fighting and screaming at others over trivial things. Wise people value their peace of mind and they try to utilize their time doing positive and creative things instead of losing their mind on who is going to take out the trash can.
The power of silence and pause is enormous. There was a time in my life when I used to take fights very seriously. I used to cry over words that were hurled at me during fights. I used to keep those words in my heart for long and suffer the pain. To me winning in a fight was more important than winning in life. Now, I do exactly the opposite, I do not try to win a fight, rather I try to lose a fight and win in life. I have started valuing my peace of mind more than a winner’s badge over a trivial fight on who is right or wrong. This is a short life why waste it fighting over trivial unimportant things rather I should cherish the beauty of life every single moment. When I grow old I would want to have happy memories from my life.
I have learned to let go anger, thanks to my Buddhist practice, I have become calmer. I try to avoid negative and toxic situations as much as possible. However, let me confess there are times when I do lose my mind. I then regret not practicing the ‘pause’. Buddhism says that there are 10 worlds that represent 10 life states that a human being can be in a given point of time. The 10 worlds are Hell, Hunger, Animality, Anger, Humanity, Heaven, Learning, Realisation, Bodhisattva, Buddhahood. These are ordered from the least desirable to the most desirable. The first four are referred to as the Four Evil Paths (Not only Buddhism but every single religion believes anger as a vice).
The world of anger is characterized by one’s strong attachment to the idea of one’s own superiority, stemming from ego and excessive pride. These people need to suppress everyone at any cost; this often prevents them from revealing their own true self. These people are winning battles but losing the war. In order to deal with them, it is important not to fight back but to stay calm and practice the pause. Let them say whatever they want to because what they say won’t change your reality.
Not only during a fight but whenever you face a problem try pausing for a while and see the difference. Take a pause, be quiet, sit back and relax, and with a cup of coffee enjoy the drama called life.
Trina Looks Back 
One word- this needed to be written. And you have explained the pause and not react theory so well.
I’m so grateful for our Buddhist practise which teaches as to be one with all the ten worlds but at the same time be aware of outbursts and bring about an oder of restrain.
Thank you for sharing. Maybe I needed to hear this. A few days back I was losing my calm at the drop of the hat. Something which isn’t intrinsic to my true nature. And the practise of Buddhism has taught me how to avoid confrontation and keep my peace of mind. But I guess we all have our moments. This post is a beautiful reminder, Tina.
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Thanks Natz for this lovely comment. I myself needed this post to remind myself of what we preach should be practiced first. I believe all of us have our weak moments when to tend to slide back to the lower life states, however we should keep practicing to go higher up. Love and hugs
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Hi Tina, wrote a long comment and unfortunately lost it. 😦
This post is so apt given the times we live. So many of us are on a short fuse these days. We all forget to pause and listen to our inner voice, instead we fly off the handle and react.
I’m so grateful for our Buddhist practise which tells us to be one with the ten worlds and guides us mindfully away from reacting impulsively or giving in to angry outbursts.
This practise and it’s teaching has helped me stay calm in the most taxing situations.
Ofcourse we do have our moments, and your post comes as a beautiful reminder to pause before we respond. It is indeed wise to chose our battles and the best ones are those which are meant to give us peace of mind.
Silence is indeed golden and I have seen people like my DH are so much at peace with themselves as they use their words wisely.
Loved Ma’s phrase, “Bobar Shotru nei.”
Thank you so very much for this post.
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Fortunately your first comment didn’t get lost and I am happy to receive 2 beautiful comments from a fellow Buddhist. The deeper I am going into the practice the calmer my soul is becoming, I am so grateful for all the teachings. Thanks a ton for the lovely comments. Hugs
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How true it is that anger begets anger. And even though I’m not a Buddhist, I do believe that silence is truly golden. So many situations are avoided only if one bites one’s tongue before speaking.
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Yes Sunita, but most of us get lost in the heat of the moment and forget to practice golden silence, including myself. A person who can stay calm and peaceful even in toxic situation may lose the fight but will eventually come out as a winner. Thank you so much for reading dear.
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Not getting angry requires a mental state which is not easy to attain. You need to rise above everything and take a different view. Happy to read your thoughts on this.
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I absolutely agree. We can not control getting angry but we can control our reactions.. that should be enough to salvage the situation. Thanks for reading.
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Absolutely! 🙂
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Your mother must have been a wise teacher and her daughter a wise student.
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I am not yet wise.. need to be more patient and calm while reacting.
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This is an important topic. My work life has helped me practice a part of it, but it is a long struggle. My 2019 goal is to learn to respond, not react.
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That is a great goal..that should be my goal as well.. I also need to practice a lot more constraint in dealing with negative people. Thanks for the reminder
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🙂 Welcome!
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This is a beautiful post, Balaka. Just loved it.
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Thanks Priya
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So so agree with you, B
After all these years of watching others losing their cool and fighting to win, i have begun staying quiet. I do lose my mind, but all that happened in these past few months has changed me and taught me the importance of silence.
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Yes Shilpz.. losing cool is easy but staying calm is difficult, however difficult things yield better results.
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I swear I had to read this today, dear Balaka! I just got into a fight with a dear friend and though I am and said sorry, I guess he is still hurt. I tend to blabber whatever comes to my mind when I am upset. Hmmph. Maybe someday, he’ll forgive 🙂 Great post and welcome to Friday Reflections.
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Don’t worry..if you have asked for forgiveness from your heart he would surely understand and forgive.. we all have our moment of anger that we later regret..
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I do agree that we need to pause before we speak, Balaka, but I don’t completely agree with silence. It’s important for us to use our words to express our anger and hurt.
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Yes I agree that we need to express our anger but later.. I feel during heated argument it is better to stay silent and once things have settled then we should say in a calm manner or else more arguments follow.
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